no one is here to take a picture, which is a serious shame. Boris (5 month old fluffy orange tabby kitten) has just climbed on top of Simon (Pomeranian), who is sleeping on my lap in front of the keyboard. Boris is lying down too.

Being masculine, being manly, serves as a sort of social capital. I think there are a huge number of heterosexual (and heteronormative) men who are not particularly anti-gay (need to talk about what I'm saying anti-gay and not homophobic) but who say and do things to make themselves appear masculine. These statements are both damaging to gay men and to women, though the men themselves are not particularly trying to be hateful or hurtful to women, or even to gay men. The men who make these comments are trying to be successful personally and professionally. They are trying to climb the social ladder, keep or grow their careers, attract women as mates and spouses, impress their peers, play sports well, in other words, trying to live the happy and normal lives they have been taught to want.

My point is that putting non-manly men down is a form of social capital. If I can point to someone who isn't achieving masculinity over there, I can point to how I am achieving it here. I don't have to reference myself, or even to do anything, other than call someone else's non-manliness to attention. The act of being able to recognize that others aren't manly enough builds my masculinity credentials. Even if I'm not right (insofar as I can be "right" when I claim someone else is a pansy), I get status by being the kind of guy who calls other guys pansies.

I need to write about why the italics, why the emphasis.

I have a lot of words written about how theories of race and theories of sexual orientation build on and relate to each other. I need a project, something to study. As often as R says that I already have one, I can't identify a methodology or research. I can't identify the subject either. (Process note: I'm making a concerted effort, in this free writing exercise, to continue to act as though I am not terrified, as though I don't want to just say "I can't" a million times. I'm doing it by refusing to allow myself to repeat the same phrase over and over, and by trying to make myself focus on content, not on process notes like this. The thought is, act as though you know how to write and how to be a researcher, and that should be enough. Right now, I am unconvinced.)